It's Christmas Eve.

I have yet to receive something for Christmas. All I have so far is a shirt from David, and $40. Half from my cousin and her husband from today, and the other half from that guy that rents the room. Nothing from my parents, friends, extended family.

Not even a "Merry Christmas" from them.

It saddens me.

It seems like my life's sole purpose is not to trust them enough. Every time I feel like I actually started to trust someone, I either get sick of them or they get sick of me. They always come back when they don't have anyone else.

I'm a rebound friend.

It's really hard for me to cope with life, if I can't have a similar lifestyle as the hundreds of people in this world. They all have a family, despite a father that abuses them or something. They still get a gift and spend it with their family.

What my parents and I are doing? Nothing. Nada. Zip.

I don't even have a present from them. It's pretty sad.

I'm pretty positive now...

My life's sole purpose is not trusting anyone.

I am never sure of anything.

Even when I say I am, I never am.

I guess it's the difference between me and everybody else in the world.

I don't know who I am and what I want... let alone what I want to be...

Thinking of a new diet...?

Summing down to one meat a day, less sweets, more fruits/vegetables.

Hope it works, and I'll keep the progress.

I also need to start excersizing..

Maybe buying a scale!

Thanks, Tumblr.

Ever since Tumblr came in... Raina has formed new friends that are all based on Zachary Quinto.

While I am still talking to Chelsea, her in real life friend Jen and Juliana.

It's worrying me. Ever since Raina started talking to the ZQ obsessors, she and I completely stopped talking. If we did talk, she'd talk about ZQ or them. I know, I did that when I meet new friends, but that's me. I do those things. Raina doesn't.

...not only that, she's become so much more... what's the appropriate word;

bitchier.

Even Dyllan has said that, and Dyllan talks to her pretty much everyday.

I don't even talk to her everyday.

She doesn't realize this.

It might cause our friendship, too. :/

Everytime.

Every.Fucking.Time.

hahaha, back to my rules I go.

I'm going to crawl in a hole and die now.

Humliated. :P

Oh, fuck it.

I'm doing this.

Catching up.

He doesn't have a girlfriend anymore, which is kind of sad... in his part, anyway. I have a slightly bigger chance of him liking me back! Okay, not really, but who knows... it's life and this is one of the thing about life...

Everything is a mystery.

In other news, (I've been saying that a lot lately, haven't I?) I'm deciding whether or not to tell him.

Oh, and..

British Davey is apparently still pissed off at me for talking to the clocks or something, I don't know.

Don't care, but somehow he's back in my life again.

-1 +1

that's like a fail.

And, I figured out(with the help of Maria) that Christian is asking me out to prom.

YAY!

Dress figuring-out time.

I told you so, Tina. I told you so...

Well, this was well played out.

He has a girlfriend now. It's not me.

I should never trust myself into falling for someone... at all.

It's so disappointing how I fall for someone, I get hurt in a way.

;lsdaslkdsakdslksalksdaskldalkdj

In other news, I'm pretty sure he found this blog by himself.

I wouldn't be surprised, I did confess that I have a blogspot.

Just never gave him the link, but he has his internet skills.

Yeah.

Message for you, if you have found it:

Don't feel bad. It's not worth it.

Beowulf

Beowulf was a hero to many people. He sailed to Denmark, with a small amount of men, determined to defeat a dragon that has bothered the city for many years. The night Beowulf and his men arrived, Grendel had begun attacking… leaving the men incapable of fighting. Beowulf takes the stand and battles against Grendel. During the battle, Beowulf rips off Grendel’s arm, injuring him, and Grendel soon dies. Nowadays, there are many heroes… most risking their lives, one of which, is Jeff Hardy. There are many ways to describe Jeff Hardy. He is an artist, a musician, and one of the greatest professional wrestlers there is and was… and like many people in the world today, he has experienced the life of being intoxicated by illegal substances. Despite all the negative aspects he has in life, he will always seem powerful in the professional wrestling world.

Jeff Hardy is known for his artistic works, and highflying moves, like jumping off thirty feet off the ground. He risked his life and sacrificed his body doing things he’s always wanted to pursue in life since he was a child. In 2003, he was fired from his professional wrestling career due to drugs, giving him a bad reputation until his return. Upon his return, Jeff had made it back to the top of his career without any illegal substances. Similarly, Beowulf put his life on the line to protect the kingdom he sought out to protect from Grendel. Moreover he defeated an additional monster, Grendel’s mother, to protect the kingdom from future potential harm, just like Jeff Hardy and his achievements in life.

In spite of their connections, they have differences also. As an example, Beowulf would boast about his past achievements and evoked envy and malice from many men. On the other hand, Jeff Hardy is not one to boast about his past achievements, but he is one to aim higher every time he achieves something. Their personalities might differ from one another, but their physical abilities are similar.

To sum up, what we define heroic now is different from what people from the Anglo-Saxon period define heroic. Beowulf is considered to be an epic hero for his bravery and courage to defeat Grendel and his mother. Jeff Hardy has had his downfalls in his life, but that does not add up to the many things he has achieved in life and what he did for others out there in the world. He is called a hero because of his dedication towards his career. He gave up on so much just to be able to make it to the top in the professional wrestling world. There are differences between Jeff Hardy and Beowulf, but what they have in common is what they are considered heroic in modern life.

So, I met a boy.

I wouldn't say 'met' since it's online, but it pretty much is. We met through DeviantArt.

It's quite... amazing, to be honest. I get to know him more and more everyday and every time I know a little more about him, the more common of interests and how alike we are. It's weird and quite freaky.

His name is David, just like British Davey... the "ex", while he has two ex's named "Christina", Tina for nicknames. We both love weird stuff, we're both pretty immature, love indie music, have no outside life because we're both pretty much socially awkward, love motorcycles, True Blood, photography and the same shade of green. It's pretty fucking creepy at the moment. Not gonna lie.

I'm totally falling into this rabbit hole, I don't know when I'm coming back up... I'm deathly afraid of what's going to happen once I hit the ground, but that's life, I guess. You'll never know what's going to happen once you hit the ground. Either you break something, get something broken or you're completely fine. It's all a mystery.

Other good news:

I have stopped talking to British Davey and I have stopped liking Johnny. About time, I know.

A new set of rules for my behavior? What?

No distractions of boys in any way.

That's renewed, considering the fact that I had let myself down for distracting myself.

In other note, I'm going to continue to be "the careless bitch" that people now calls me since I've changed. Oh, I love this careless bitch. I think I may marry her.

New lifestyle. New personality. New behavior.

I love it lots.

I haven't posted in a long time.

It's because I haven't had things to think about... and now, I, unfortunately do...

Why? Well, recently, I've had a distraction. Yeah, yeah. I know.

"Distractions are bad for you!"

I wish I had gotten myself less... what's the word... pathetic and vulnerable. I find it very difficult to understand why I decided to give myself such a distraction... especially on my last year of high school.

I guess, what's done is done. Goodbye distraction, I won't be needing you in my life anymore.

Back to the normal life I had. The single life. The one where I have school girl crushes on celebrities and not real people.

I really have no excuse on why or how I did such a thing to myself. I am ashamed and embarrassed for myself.

Goes to show: Never trust the person that's not your best friend. They're just your distractions.

Goodnight, readers.

It's been so, so long.

Raina has gotten me into Tumblr due to some Harry Potter related posts on Tumblr.

But I have not forgotten this site, this is my "super secret" website, and I will always vent on here when I want to.

Right now, I'm here to vent. As always.

It's not just long speeches right now, it's plainly venting.

I guess this is a diary... but less private.

But I will end up with this fact in a question form:

Why do I always feel so... jealous(?) when two of my very good friends are talking when I don't want them to??

I'm such an unfair human being.

Music.

Lots of definitions. Lots of meaning towards people.

Most of the definitions of "music" from most people?

"19. Music - With out music I think most peopel would die. Music is one thign where kids today can go and get away from the world today" (source: Urban Dictionary)

Basically, that's somewhat a good definition of music, BUT, there are flaws. No, not just the spelling and grammar of the definition, but the fact that there is no REAL definition of "music".

To me, music is a work of art. No matter what form, what beat or anything. It's still music.

People don't quite understand that and grasp the fact that music is basically two things, and two things only:

Beats and Rhythm.

Does it really matter if you're going to speak throughout the whole song?

Or does it matter if you're going to scream throughout the whole song?

Or use profanity?

It's a way to express feelings. Express your culture on how you grew up.

I admit, I used to be one of those people who actually discriminate against music. But I grew out of that. People use genres against musicians.

So now, Bring Me The Horizon can't hang out with All Time Low. T-Pain can't hang out with Green Day.

It's basically saying that "blacks can't be with whites" or "asians can't be with mexicans".

My saying? Fuck it. What does it matter if a rapper and a country star get together?

Or a pop, top-40 artist is with a hardcore rock band?

Does it really matter?

I've seen too much hate against the Disney stars, such as, Miley Cyrus, Selena Gomez, Demi Lovato and Jonas Brothers. Why? Why are they being hated?

Unless there was a really good reason to be hated, I see no problem with it.

Just because they work for Disney doesn't mean ANYTHING.

Who cares if they get paid a lot. They're still normal people, for gods sakes.

I'm sick of people and their definition of music.

I've always stuck to one definition and one only:

Beats and rhythm.

"12. Music - Music is just sequences of sounds and sometimes vocals put together.

Now, it has become categories in which today's people has put themselves in express to the world what they represent or what they represent.

Categories like gangstas, punk rockers, ravers, ginos, metal rockers, etc.

What I don't understand is why these categories constantly attack each other and their taste, most of the people who actually truly align themselves into a single demographic (most noticable are the "gangstas", but rockers are catching up...) Actually got into that music because it was the fad at the time.

This saying that people aren't truly expressing themselves, but are just emulating what's on TV or what their older friends do.

Music is music. All music is related to each other so make fun of one genre and you will make fun of every genre." (source: Urban Dictionary)

I give props to that person, because what they are saying, is what I am trying to say.

Pathetic Disappointments.

I don't know what is a family anymore. When there is a group of people that are married to each other and others with the same blood, who is so fucking stubborn and inconsiderate, what do you call it? I don't call it a family.

My father is so stubborn. I don't know why I call him my father, to be honest. He spends "his" money on his own needs and my brothers and sisters who can support themselves. He spends all "his" money on business failures and failed ideas for businesses, when all the money is supposed to be for my college fund. I have one year left of high school and I have no money value for a college fund, because "school in America is easy to get into and easy to achieve". He just doesn't fucking get it. For four years, I failed because of him. In pity. Let's just say it's a Willy and Biff Loman, but instead of Willy cheating on his wife, it's cheating his own child.

Next, is the way he sees my mother's side of my family and he looks down on them because of some stupid little drama my uncle and my father had. He can not get the fuck over it and I'm sick and tired of his immaturity of this bullshit. My family forgot about it, and is over it. They invite my family to a family gathering, festivity and such, and he turns all of them down because he simply "has no respect towards them" to go. When I, his own flesh and blood, want to go so I can say I have a REAL family that can look past problems. I frown every time he says no, and he rants about just ONE time, how he used to be the favorite of the family until the drama. Well, gee. I fucking wonder why.

All the emo years I had, when I cared for no one but my friends and friends only, I hated going to the family parties, but he wanted me to go, so I went. Why? Because I wanted him to be happy, and what does he do to repay me?

Spend all 16 years worth of my college fund and no happiness in me, whatsoever.

Because of him, I lost all meaning of family. I don't even know what it stands for.

All I can see is that family means betrayal and hurt.

It's just not fucking worth it anymore.

WWE Extreme Rules.

The whole thing was boring... up until Jeff Hardy went after the belt. That's when things got exciting.

Results:

Cena vs Big Show, One Fall/Submission - Cena.

Mysterio vs Jericho, Intercontinental/Mask - Jericho.

Matt Hardy vs Regal vs MVP vs Kofi Kingston, Fatal Four Way/US Champ - Kofi.

Santina vs Vickie (and Chavo), Miss Wrestlemania/Pig Pen/Handicapped(last minute change) - Santina

CM Punk vs Umaga, One Fall/Samoan Strap - CM Punk

Christian vs Swagger vs Dreamer, Triple Threat/ECW - Dreamer

Orton vs Batista, Cage/WWE - Batista

Jeff Hardy vs Edge - Jeff Hardy... then CM Punk by cashing in his MITB.

I wish these people would've won:

Big Show, Jericho, Matt, Satina, Umaga, Christian, Orton, Jeff.

I only got two..... technically three... but I wanted Jeff to hold it at least more than a day...

maybe a fucking year.

This just isn't fucking fair.

I could care less if this shit was scripted but Jeff Hardy deserves a fucking title no matter what.

WWE needs to give Jeff a chance to hold the belt for a long time...

Oh... and one more thing...

Next Thursday is when I will lose contact with Chelsea for weeks!

Those weeks are going to be HELL without her!

RAWR.

End of the 08-09 school year.

These next two weeks are probably going to be super busy.

Tomorrow, I have Superstars to watch.

Friday, I have Smackdown! to watch.

Saturday, I seriously forgot what I was going to do...

Sunday, EXTREME FUCKING RULES, I'm excited for that<3

I'm gonna go ahead and guess that Jericho is going to win, but Rey's gonna backfire at the last moment with the mask... or it's another false Kane thing, again.

Batista is going to win, I mean... have you SEEN Batista?!

Christian NEEDS to keep the ECW belt because I think he's better than Dreamer and Swagger, not matter how much of a 'Legend' Dreamer is, and no matter how ridiculously charming Swagger's smile is.

Big Show's getting his payback on Cena, FO SHO!

Satina vs Vickie... Vickie wins by having the interference... as usual.

Fatal 4way... I really badly want to say Matt Hardy, but I highly doubt it :/

I'd have to say, Kofi or MVP on this.

Punk vs Umaga. Umaga hands down, I mean... do I really have to point out the obvious?

Last, but not least!

Jeff Hardy vs Edge for Ladder match.

oh dear lord. I love both Jeff and Edge... so I can't decide on who should win or predict.

Jeff is an absolute pro for ladder matches... but I haven't seen Edge and ladder matches lately, so he could easily improve over the times I missed his ladder matches.

There will, most likely, have an interference... once again, and who else, by Matthew Moore Hardy? (well, that's if he loses the US Champ).

That's all I really have to say, for now...

Monday, last day of a full schedule.

Tuesday, I have no clue, but I'm getting out at 12...

Wednesday, I still have no clue...

Thursday, lots of fun.

Going out with the whole table, [most likely excluding Pedro and his new beau].

Going to the sushi buffet, then the movies.

What are we going to watch?

We have NO clue whatsoever. But whatever is planned, is planned.

No cancellations from here.

This is the last weeks of our Junior school year, Sophomore for Luis.

I will bawl my eyes out tomorrow, since it's Devora's last day of High School...

She and I grew close during these months, and she's one of the people I'm starting to trust...

and once that trust is coming, she's leaving.

Talk about bad timing.

In other note; Johnny's talking to me more now...

...now that I decide to finally get over him.